Don’t get mad … get even !

17th January 2023

I was recently reading a report in an English-language Vietnamese newspaper, bemoaning the lack of tourists.

Tourism accounts for a significant portion of Thailand’s GDP and Vietnam, with beaches, historic towns and cities, should be able to significantly boost their economy by attracting foreign visitors.

To an extant, they do (tourism is increasing). The problem, according to some reports, is the lack of return visitors; people add Vietnam to their bucket list, then never return, a case of, “been there, done that,” whereas many tourists return again and again to Thailand. The following website lists ten common factors that deter or spoil the experience of visiting Viet Nam:

https://www.expatolife.com/10-bad-things-vietnam/

Many are based around petty crime: overcharging, thief, poor service, fraud and bad manners.

I have my own litany of complaints, and then some ! However, the focus today in on one major problem in Vietnam … the (add expletive of choice) NOISE. The following is an extract from VNExpress, an English-language newspaper:

Noise pollution can be said to be a fact of life and a headache in many urban areas, but in Vietnam, it gets taken to levels unheard of.

A study by the Institute of Occupational Health and the Environment of 12 main traffic routes and intersections in Hanoi found the average noise level during the day to be 77.8-78.1 dBA, about 7.8-8.1 dBA higher than the standard. The level is 10-20 dBA higher than normal night-time standards at 65.3-75.7 dBA.

https://e.vnexpress.net/news/readers-views/why-are-vietnamese-people-so-noisy-4528394.html

The worse offenders, for my sensitive ears, are street hawkers (motorbike riders who have loudspeakers, and often park outside my window for hours, playing their noise on a loop … sometimes for nearly four hours).

I know, they are just trying make a living and support their families, but if you are constantly woken up at 5:10 am by a guy driving past blaring out that he is selling bread (without stopping for anyone to actually buy said item), or you want to enjoy your balcony and read some Shakespeare, but a knife-grinder is under your window playing a three-sentence phrase over and over … and over, you may have more sympathy for my plight.

Now for the worst offender; Vietnam seems to positively encourage the right for ANYONE to buy a karaoke machine and use it, outdoors, all day, every day. Increasingly, the use of such machines has caused anger, violence and even deaths:

A man in the northern province of Hai Duong was singing karaoke at home earlier this month and his neighbor complained about the noise. He went over to the neighbor’s to express his anger, only to be stabbed to death.

The whole article may be read here: https://e.vnexpress.net/news/readers-views/fining-karaoke-noise-violations-after-10-p-m-makes-no-sense-4487372.html

I myself have been driven to near insanity by wedding parties on my free day (five hours of karaoke just across the street) and used all my English insults to get my point across. Pretty damn stupid in retrospect, and the fact that I was a foreigner probably saved me from a severe beating, or worse.

So … intelligence is more powerful than strength. Don’t get mad … get even. I have an electric guitar which, of course, is nigh useless without an amplifier. Hence, I reveal my Fender Champion 20W amp.

The amp has four different setting, a range of built-in effects and a Gain button … to increase noise.

We are approaching Tet Holiday, so we can expect a lot of parties, Karaoke and NOISE.

As you can see, I hooked up my laptop to the speaker today around 11.00 am because … already … some local gentleman and his good lady wife (or sister or whomever) began screaming through a microphone. A lot of these ‘performers’ just copy TV stars and make whooping noises or scream. Take it from me, a Vietnamese with a mic is one of the world’s worst tortures.

So, I chose some pretty inoffensive K-Pop, and covered up the caterwauling from the great beyond.

You can see, the Gain is only set to 4 and the volume was on 2. The switch goes up to 10 ! I also used some delay and reverb. Furthermore, thanks to the internet; YouTube, Spotify plus my own files, I own a LOT of loud music … a LOT. And if that wasn’t bad enough, just wait until you hear me murder ‘Stairway to Heaven’.

The gauntlet is thrown down. After several hours, your voices will crack, you will sleep from that nasty cheap beer but I will only just be warming up. Rock ‘n’ Roll will never die … but don’t take my word for it. Here’s Mr Neil Young

Parables from the Land of the Scorpion.

9th November 2022

The All-Knowing Parent

The House of Gesundheit opened its doors. Before long, a parent charged in, dragging a sickly child. The Doctor of Gesundheit examined the child, increasingly concerned with the findings.

“I must conduct further tests,” the professional explained.

“Ah, no problem, my child always passes tests,” the self-assured reply, with a pat on the money bag.

As the doctor suspected, the poor child had cancer, but it was at an early stage. Help was available, a full recovery was expected.

“Ah, no, no, no, no, no, no,” the parent countered, “the hair will fall out, children at school will laugh. I will not have my child laughed at, I will not have my child looking like an egg ! No, no, no, just give the child some pills, some medicine and all will be well. I know my child. I know my child much better than you do.”

The Doctor of Gesundheit protested, remonstrated, pleaded. The words fell on stony ground. So many pearls, such a large swine.

Eventually the doctor had to acquiesce. Parent and child walked away, victoriously.

Some months later the parent returned, bursting into the House of Gesundheit, screaming, ranting, pointing an accusing, accursing finger at the doctor.

“You killed my child. I brought my child to you for help. Instead … I bury my child. You killed my child. You are a terrible doctor, you are a murderer !”

The other patients heard this and got angry, they sided with the grieved parent and shouted abuse at the disgraced doctor.

The House of Gesundheit closed down.

The doctor abandoned medicine and looked for work from village to village.

In a small grave in a small graveyard lies a small child. Over the coming years, the graveyard grew bigger and bigger.

‘Tomorrow Never Knows’ by Lennon & McCartney. August 1966

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Tintin, bagels, coffee and the Star of Sai Gon.

5th May 2021

Coffee shops, as I drill into my students, are ubiquitous in Sai Gon, so cafes need something special to make them stand out, to encourage people to go there by choice, not merely out of convenience. One such cafe is:

Cà Phê Cô Ba

4-6 Đồng Khởi, Bến Nghé, Quận 1, Thành phố Hồ Chí Minh 700000

The cafe exudes an old-world charm, a romanticised exotic and mysterious Sai Gon. Dark-wood furniture, a twirling staircase, the aroma of fresh coffee; it requires but little imagination to picture the spirits of beautiful Vietnamese ladies in áo dài, amidst the heady scent of perfume and opium.

Enhancing the ambience, the main room has antique sewing machines along one wall, while the wooden shutters display the boy reporter Tintin on his (unofficial) visit to Viet Nam.

Furthermore, there is a back story. The cafe is named after Trần Ngọc Trà, born around 1906, and named ‘The First Beauty of Sai Gon.’

I’ve had to rely on some online translations, but it appears Ms Ba Trà was a great beauty who intoxicated powerful and wealthy men with her charm. Unfortunately, as her looks faded, she became addicted to gambling and ended her days in poverty.

You can read more (in English) here: https://vtc.vn/nguoi-dep-sai-gon-dung-bua-ngai-lam-tieu-doi-10-ty-phu-ar140046.html

The coffee is pretty average but the price is reasonable considering the central location. Incongruously, the cafe is situated inside a modern office block and is reached by lift. The sounds of modern Ho Chi Minh City, of people shouting into mobile phones, and advertising covering every space bring one back to the modern world.

Review on Tripadvisor: https://www.tripadvisor.com/Restaurant_Review-g293925-d14159617-Reviews-Ca_Phe_Co_Ba_Dong_Khoi-Ho_Chi_Minh_City.html:

Serendipity – I had to go into my bank, which had moved to a new location, and afterwards, driving around a famous ex-pat area of District 2, I discovered this:

I haven’t had a bagel since my last visit to London, way back in 2020, and that was factory produced, purchased from a supermarket, in a pack of six. There was nothing for it – I simply had to go in, get my coffee ‘n’ bagel fix.

I opted for the classic smoked salmon & cream cheese, along with ice coffee.

Motorbikes, coffee and bagels … a sign of changing Sai Gon.

Bagel with ‘everything’ (poppy seed, sesame, cheese). My bagel cost about £3, the BLT £2, coffee just over £1.

The verdict ? Well, delicious, of course, nostalgic, you betcha, but a bagel … ? No, not what we have back in east London (where there are still two all-night bagel bakeries). It was more like crusty bread, bagel-shaped, as opposed to the chewy, doughy texture I am used to (goes without saying that bacon and ham are not on the menu in Kosher delis).

However, I was delighted to find this store and though it’s a little far away, I’ll be happy to return.

Meanwhile, I noticed a New York Bagel store in District 1 … I shall try that in due course.

Life in Sai Gon: Coffee Time (again)

22 February 2020

After Brasil, Vietnam is the world’s biggest exporter of coffee, and coffee shops are ubiquitous. There are high-end chain stores, with near London prices, down to street coffee which, being honest, is probably more ‘street’ than ‘coffee’.

Here are a few recent caffeine-driven excursions:

OK, this first one is no longer in operation. Can’t think why. Branding is important, even in a Socialist country. This joint is located at the base of an apartment complex in District 2. The lady that stays there is, I believe, an artist and is extremely friendly, not ‘grumpy’ in the least.

Now, staying in District 2, just a short ride away, is this library cafe:

It looks like it’s based in an old house, with large plants and dusty old books on even dustier shelves.

The coffee, however, was a disappointment, probably due to my ordering the wrong drink. I wanted a hot latte and got an ice version. Perfect for the heat, but not what I was expecting. Oh well, never mind.

Still in District 2, ‘Ventura Coffee’ was near my old apartment by the port of Cat Lai. This was a great place, and had live football and a beautiful dog:

Damn fine cappuccino, too.

Here are a couple of signs on the wall:

Back to my new manor (are in which I live). ‘Coffee Time’ on Nguyen Duy Trinh. Fine coffees and juices. Nice decoration, and outside seating. Free Wifi, naturally. We had a hot latte and an ice coffee. The cappuccino is also recommended.

And of course, all this coffee makes a guy hungry. Back at my new apartment, we have a restaurant where they catered to my no-meat diet. Delicious crab-noodle soup. Around 40 000 VND (about £1.35) and worth every penny. Extra chilli sauce !