In the morning, my students are like bears with sore heads
Man’s best friend
I’m a newt, and I’ll have you know I’m totally sober
NEWT: As pissed as a newt – Informal British English meaning to be drunk.
SIDEBAR: This is is very unusual saying, but around 200 years ago, young teenage sailors were known as ‘newts’. It didn’t take much alcohol for these boys to become very drunk, hence the expression.
OWL: To be a night owl – someone who stays up late, maybe all night.
PANDA: To have panda eyes – night owls and insomniacs often have black rings around their eyes, like a panda. I first heard this in Malaysia.
QUAIL: To quail at something – to be afraid or nervous about something.
RED HERRING: A false clue in a mystery or detective story
NOW LET’S TAKE THESE EXPRESSIONS OUT FOR A SPIN
When did you last sleep ? You ____________________________________
The police followed a clue but it was just a _____________________
My neighbour is a real _____________________ playing music all night.
I have toothache but I __________ at going to the dentist.
Did you hear him sing karaoke ? He was ___________________________ !
Are you ready for some more ?
SWAN: Swan song – a final appearance.
TIGER: A tiger mum – a mother who pushes her children to study and study and study.
UNICORN: Life isn’t all rainbows and unicorns – sometimes life is hard and we have to deal with problems (tell me about it).
VULTURE: The vultures are circling – vultures wait for animals to die, then they swoop down and eat the dead body, so this expression means something very bad is about to happen.
WHALE: Having a whale of a time – having a wonderful time, really enjoying yourself.
X: Give me a break ! However, check out this little beauty:
This is an X ray tetra, a non-aggressive fish found in the Amazon
YAK: To yak or yakking – to talk non-stop, usually about nothing important.
ZEBRA: Zebra crossing – black and white marking on the road. In the UK, cars usually stop to allow people to walk safely. In Viet Nam … hhmmmm not so much (i.e. never).
The most famous zebra crossing in the world. From The Beatles ‘Abbey Road’ LP
Speaking of The Beatles, allow me to quote from ‘A Hard Day’s Night’
The party was amazing, we all had _________________________
The show was her last ever, it was her ________________________
Will you stop _______ ! I can’t think !
Walk to the ________________________ because this road is dangerous.
She has a _____________________ who makes her study English every day.
The business is losing too much money. The _________________________
I have to pay my rent, my student loan, my electric bill. This is no fun ________________________________________________________
Just because you’re having online classes, with different teachers, (lucky you) doesn’t mean you should stop expanding your knowledge of weird and wacky English expressions, and let me tell you, you won’t find many of these in those cotton-pickin’ textbooks.
English speakers use animals as:
metaphor (my neighbour is a pig)
simile (she drinks like a fish)
idiom (look what the cat dragged in)
adjective form (he is rather bovine – like a cow, she moves with a feline grace – like a cat)
Today, I’m going to introduce you to expressions featuring animals, some of which may not be suitable for polite company …hey, you want to learn REAL English … that’s how we speak !
Now, without further ado …
ANTS: Ants in your pants – when someone can’t keep still, is always moving about which can be very irritating.
BATS: Bat-shit crazy – NOT used in formal, standard English. This is more common in US English to describe someone who is acting very strangely.
CATS: To let the cat out of the bag – to tell a secret, to tell something you were not supposed to disclose.
DOGS: Gone to the dogs – someone or something that was once respectable but is now dirty, useless etc.
ELEPHANT: Couldn’t hit an elephant – implies that someone is very bad at something for example, if they had a rifle they wouldn’t be able to hit a very large target.
SIDEBAR: “They couldn’t hit an elephant at this distance,” are the famous last words of John Sedgwick, an officer in the Union army in the US Civil War. He meant that the enemy was so far away, they couldn’t possible hit a massive target let alone a single man. Sedgwick was, ironically, shot and killed by the enemy. Read more here:
FISH: Like shooting fish in a barrel – refers to something that is so easy, no effort at all is required to be successful.
Groucho Barks ?
At this point, time to stop and reflect, practice what you’ve learnt. What expression fits ?
He used to be a respectable professional, but his wife left him he began drinking and now he’s _______________________________
The bloody woman next to me on the plane just wouldn’t sit still. She had ___________________________________
I’m never teaching that class again ! The kids are all __________
This job is so easy, it’s _________________________________
Oh ! I knew they had a secret. Now the _____________________
Don’t worry about Peter, he’s so bad, he _______________________
Hahahah ants in my pants, I love that one !
Ready for some more ? OK, let’s kick it !
GOLDFISH: Living in a goldfish bowl – a life with no privacy, everyone can see what you do, all the time.
HORSE: A dark horse – someone that has hidden talents or abilities
INSECT: Go away, you little insect – not polite, used when someone is making you feel very uncomfortable, or is harassing you.
JACKASS: You jackass ! – again, very informal signifying a silly or stupid person.
LION: Taking the lion’s share – taking the biggest amount of something.
MONKEY: Too much monkey business – too much madness or uncontrollable behaviour
Practice makes perfect so … kick it !
You spent $100 on that Relox watch, made in China ! _____
Being famous is awful, everyone taking photos all the time, it’s like _____________________________________
I can’t work for this company anymore, I don’t trust them, ________________________________________
As the CEO, he took ___________________________ of the bonus.
I don’t want to buy those cheap fake sunglasses, go away you _________
Wow, Julie wrote this ? It’s so good, she’s a real _________________ always so quiet in class.
OK, enough for one blog, I’ll continue N – Z if there’s any interest, I’ll continue N- Z even if there isn’t any interest. Now I gotta prepare for two online classes and a speaking placement test, drink tea (I am English, don’t forget) and hope my internet doesn’t act like a jackass and pack up on me.
// sel____ // tal________ // unu_____ // valu____ (costs a lot of money)
// wea______ (if you can buy the Mona Lisa, you must be extremely wea_____) // Xenop_______ (do not like people from other countries) // ye__ – _____ (lasts for 12 months) // Zamb___ (person from Zambia)
Sentence building using adjectives is very easy. Even using basic adjectives can improve your English. Colours, sizes and where someone is from are all easy adjectives. Look at this example:
The flag is very large and is white with a red circle in the middle. The flag is Japanese.
Look at these flags. Choose one and describe it to the class. Points for the students who guess which flag. Extra points if they know the country.
A selection of short exercises to develop sentence building and encourage use of adjectives. Games aimed at students aged 7 – 12
Warm up game 1
Who can name a country or city beginning with ‘A’ … ? ‘B’ … ?
Warm up game 2
What country do you associate with:
sushi 2. hot curry 3. the White House 4. kangaroos 5. pizza ?
Warm up game 3
What animal is the biggest ?
How many eyes do most spiders have ?
What is more dangerous, a crocodile or an alligator ?
What does a camel have in its hump ?
What is the only bird that can fly backwards ?
What do pandas eat ? What do you call a baby kangaroo ?
Answers: A blue whale (up to 98 feet) // 8 eyes // crocodiles // camels store fat NOT water // hummingbird // bamboo // joey
Warm up game 4
Adjectives – words to describe a person or a thing
Example: The Kangaroo is small // cute // funny
Name an adjective beginning with ‘A’ … // ‘B’ … // etc
Students should be instructed to write down new words and then try to use them
Sentence building 1
What is your favourite film (or TV show, book) and why ?
EXAMPLE: I really love Star Wars because it is amazing and has many exciting space fights. The actor is incredible and the Princess is so beautiful. The film is sometimes funny and sometimes scary.
Sentence building 2
Tell me about your family ?
What do they look like ?
What are they like ?
EXAMPLE: I love my mummy very much because she helps me with my homework. She is small and has long black hair. She is friendly and happy. She likes to play badminton because it is healthy and fun.
Sentence building 3
Write interesting stories about these photos. Use adjectives and long sentences
Google Images. A teacher was reported suspended after appearing shirtless on Zoom
In a previous blog I tried, against my nature, to show a positive side to Zoom teaching. Teachers, TAs, admin staff are kept in employment, albeit with significant pay cuts, while the students are able to practise their English skills … should they choose.
I’m trying to keep this light-hearted, but all anecdotes are true, based on my experiences of Zoom. CUT TO last year, our first period of lockdown.
I can’t turn my light on, I’ve got no power
First up, back in the early days, teachers went to campus and used laptops to hold Zoom classes. The first five or ten minutes were spent waiting for late-comers, asking people to put their cameras on, then to KEEP their cameras on, ditto mics. One character, a teenage boy was sitting in darkness … this was a daytime class and Sai Gon in the day in bright, big time. Said teenager claimed that he had no electricity in his house, therefore could not put on the lights.
Do you sense a ‘however’ coming on ?
However … his laptop was working (sure, maybe it was running on battery). His wifi was working, but, the smoking gun … a slither of bright light from the corner of the room. Yes, said young gentleman had drawn his curtain and was ‘claiming’ he had no power.
Do you sense another ‘however’ coming on ?
However … I had an ace up my sleeve for, off-screen but next to me was my manager. I updated Mr No-Power on this development. A native teenager lying to an English teacher is not so unique. But would he lie to his Vietnamese manager. Damn right he would.
Just the tip of the iceberg. My camera’s not working
The teacher asks, politely requests, a student to put the camera on. This is after the class has seen a slide giving class rules AND a video in Vietnamese explaining what is expected. It is expected that students will put on their cameras. CUT TO a black screen, and yet another (here is where a teacher needs the patient of a whole temple of Buddhas) invitation to turn on the camera. Student claims camera is not working. Unfortunately, student had turned ON the camera and we could all see, in glorious Technicolor, the student, bold as brass (but thick as a brick). The mistake was then realised, and the student could be seen reaching for the lower corner of the laptop, and camera fades to black.
But that’s just one or two rotten apples, right ?
Are you kidding ? I teach IELTS which is the serious subject; a good grade here is a passport to a different country, to study, to live, maybe get exposed to different points of views, philosophies and outlooks. So you would think the students would be really motivated, right ?
Think again, pucko !
I had one IELTS class with about eight or nine students, including professional people and even a doctor. Guess what … despite the rules being reiterated, the Vietnamese-language video, I end up speaking to eight or nine black screens. Every lesson.
Doesn’t your campus kick ass ?
Kiss ass rather than kick ass. They go, half-heartedly through the motions, make rules but lack the balls to enforce them.
The reasons are clear. Firstly, this is not a state school, the students are CUSTOMERS … they generate revenue. It is a business axiom that the customer is always right. A business needs to keep and expand its customer base. My campus wants customers to return, to tell their friends, schoolmates, family members, each and everybody, they produce Disneyesque promotional films of photogenic children saying how they love learning here, and how they love their teachers (ya never see the fat ugly kids with buck teeth do ya).
Oh, man, you must be puttin’ me on ?
I wish ! You can look for yourself on YouTube, though not too soon after eating; there are stomach-churningly nauseating. Furthermore, the punters are locals, they are Vietnamese. I’ve seen some YouTube videos of a South African man explaining a similar situation in China. When push comes to shove, the natives support each other. Always. Teachers are a dime a dozen, they come ‘n’ go, and who can blame them ? Customers are more valued, they will always take precedence over a foreigner (that is how we are designated). Ready for one or two final delicacies ?
But teenagers are famous for their good behaviour
Haha, yeah good one. Just a brief entrance here. I had one class, back at campus, with some teens. I began saying hello to each student. Some would just stare at me, refusing to say a word. Then they initiated a new game; I would call a customer and rather than answer immediately, the teen would say, “Me ?” with terrible over-acting, faux surprise. This carried on with every subsequent teen. Finally, a teen, let’s called her Mary, copied her classmates, to wit:
Me: Mary, what’s number 3, please ?
Mary: Me ?
Cue the Beethoven
Me: Is your name Mary ?
Mary: Yes.
Me: Then answer the question and stop wasting my time.
I went on to explain that I will do everything to help anyone who really wants to learn. However, those who just want to insult me and disturb my lesson … well, let’s Samuel L. explain:
Finally, (though you can guess this one could run and run), another IELTS class. I was given a real motley crew of unmotivated, unanimated, lifeless schlimels (if you don’t know what that means, look it up, I ain’t doing all the work for you). One schliemel was a teenage boy, a poster-boy for gormlessness. He informed me, by chat box, that his mic wasn’t working. Now, IELTS is all about speaking and practising, it ain’t just watching the teacher, it ain’t TV, dig ? You’ve gotta join in or you are wasting your (parents’) money.
Did you strike down upon him with great vengeance and furious anger ?
I farmed out that hit. Stopped the lesson and let everyone see that I was contacting Customer Care who, in turn, phoned gormless schliemel. Lo and behold, the mic miraculously started working. The guy would have been happy to sit and listen for an hour or two without contributing anything. After, he could go away and laugh that he hadn’t done any work.
If the job sucks, why d’you do it ?
Good question. I’ve spoken to many teachers, in various countries, and the answer is generally, ‘What else can I do ? It’s my profession’. And, at the moment, I don’t need to tell you, travel just ain’t as easy as it used to be.
Is there anything good about it ?
No. OK, I’m pulling your leg. A minority of students are sweet, respectful and polite. They really want to learn, and I can see the progress week by week. Occasionally, very occasionally, an adult student can become a friend, while the younger kids provoke avuncular feelings. Very rarely, one gets to meet a Princess. But these, as stated, are the minority.
A new set of guidelines, according to the article, has been set following recent misbehaviors:
Camera’s must be on during online classes, students that fail to comply with this rule may be marked absent (unless there are extenuating circumstances).
In all zoom calls there is now a mandatory waiting room.
Students are no longer allowed to change their names.
Backgrounds must be one of the default zoom backgrounds or a solid color.
If students have a profile photo, it has to be of themselves.
In some classes, chat restrictions have also been implemented.
The teachers are all taking a massive financial hit to keep these lessons going. ‘T’is a pity the customers display contempt and disrespect. C’est la vie.
Followed by a game. I shall show photos of five of my friends, along with some personality adjectives and occupations. The class simply have to guess my friends’ job and what kind of people they are … and justify their decisions.
Tonight’s class will focus on the town of Green Bank, Virginia (which is a southern state in the USA). Green Bank is a very small town. The population in 2019, according to Wikipedia, was 182 yet it has become famous as the town without Wi-Fi. Wireless internet is banned and mobile phones (cell phones USA) are unable to make or receive calls, nor can they send texts. The reason …
the world’s largest fully steerable radio telescope
Telescopes can be used for light or for sound. The above picture shows the radio telescope, which is 485ft tall, at Green Bank. It listens out for sounds from space. You may hear electromagnetic radiation in the class video.
Light and sound travel in waves. A star will emit light waves but electromagnetic radiation can also travel by radio waves. Giant telescopes are situated in areas with low light pollution while radio telescopes need to be in areas without Wi-Fi or mobile telephone, which can cause interference. You may have experienced this on an airplane when you are told to switch off phones during take-off and landing.
And so to work … as a warm up, get a partner or a small group and ask each other the following questions. Remember to encourage each other to speak in longer sentences and give reasons.
Could you live in a town with no Wi-Fi ?
What would you miss most if you had no phone or Wi-Fi ?
How important is your mobile phone to you … why ?
How often do you use Facebook ? Is it essential or fun ?
Do you think you spend too much time on social media ?
If you are with friends and your phone rings, or you get an alert, do you ignore it or stop talking to your friends ?
How to build sentences: explain your answers … ‘because‘ // such as … //
Tell me your experience: ‘For me, mobiles phones are …’ // ‘I couldn’t live without Wi-Fi because …’ // ‘I rely on …’
New vocabulary: essential // imperative // convenient //
It would be like losing an arm // a vital part of my life // I control my Wi-Fi use, it doesn’t control me // prohibitively expensive // I would lose my mind !
What’s the best thing about being in a relationship?
What’s the best thing about being single?
What headings would you put these under ?
Life is more fun than being alone. Problems are easier to solve.
We have total, 100% freedom ! Do what we want, when we want.
We have less responsibility.
No lonliness
If you meet someone you like, you can ask them out on a date.
There’s a time to play and a time to settle down and raise a family.
No in-laws !
How do couples meet ?
How did you meet your: wife / husband / boyfriend / girlfriend / partner ? Or was it a blind date ?
Activity: Arrange a blind date for these three men. Which lady is the best choice … and why ?
How do you think the dates will be ? Will they keep meeting, maybe get married … or never see each other again ?
Peter
JamesDavid
PETER. Age 46. Lawyer. Likes cooking, travelling, wine, driving, tennis. Divorced, 2 children. Looking for a quiet lady with no children, to look after the house and him.
JAMES. Age 26. IT worker. Likes music, dancing, going to clubs, beach holidays. Single. Looks for young lady who is loud and fun, likes to party.
DAVID. Age 22. Model. Likes fashion, clothes, cocktail bars, smoking cigars. Looking for a women who is a model so we can look great together. Must be very beautiful and wear expensive clothes.
And now … the ladies:
Jane
LisaEmily
JANE. Age 22. Likes fashion, clubbing, kittens, holidays in the sun. Looks for a man with a steady job and ‘down-to-earth’. Non-smoker only.
LISA. 28. Banker. Likes quiet restaurants, badminton, travelling. Looks for a mature man with good income for long term relationship. No boys, please !
EMILY. 20. Likes dancing, fashion, going out with my friends. Movies. Wants a young, cute boy-friend so we can go to parties together. No boring old men, please !
And … if all goes well, there could be wedding bells
FREE SPEAKING: What is a traditional wedding in your country ?
In the UK and many western countries, the bridegroom waits in the church next to the Best Man, who has the rings. The church music starts and the Bride walks down the aisle next to her father, who will ‘give her away.’ Behind the Bride are her Bridesmaids. The Vicar will start the service. At the end, the Bride and Groom kiss.
Vocabularybooster
Match words with meaning
Honeymoon // a secret relationship
Romantic // promise to do something/ be loyal to someone.
Divorce // when people decide they will get married
After three or four lessons, I expect my students to know several common idioms (their meaning and how to use them appropriately), a number of low-frequency words (L-FWs), how to introduce an answer, how to form a complex sentence and to demonstrate varieties of intonation and stress.
Without these features, you ain’t gonna get above a ‘5’, no way. Therefore, time for a quick review, see how you’re measuring up to the standard, whether you need to turn over a new leaf and put your nose to the grindstone.
Therefore, let’s recap
Idioms:
it’s raining cats and dogs
it costs an arm and a leg
piece of cake
I’m burning the candle at both ends
once in a blue moon
pass with flying colours
turn over a new leaf
put your nose to the grindstone
Students putting their noses to the grindstone
Part 1: What do the aforementioned idioms mean ?
Part 2: Give each student an idiom. They have to use it, correctly, in a sentence.
absent-minded // sky-high, astronomical // an entrepreneur //
hawkersor peddlers // a mover and a shaker // consider //
Part 3: Students have to describe their neighbourhood, using as many L-FWs, and idioms, as they are able.
Students burning the candle at both ends
Introductions:
That’s a very interesting question
Well, that’s a great question
Well, there is so much to say about that subject, where shall I start ?
It’s funny you put that question to me because earlier today I was just thinking about …
As a young Vietnamese (add your own nationality), I …
Part 4: Students have to demonstrate they know how to introduce their answer.
What do you want to do in the future ?
Give them one minute to prepare a very short reply.
It’s funny you asked me that question because recently, I have been considering moving to Australia …
Complex Sentences:
Part 5: Moving on, students have to form complex sentences out of the following information, using intonation to reflect excitement or a positive point and, conversely, a negative factor. Discourse markers to be employed in order to link ideas, naturally. Furthermore, I shall be listening for adverbs and adjectives.
First, choose the correct relative pronoun (who, which, whose or where)
London //
capital of UK // many shops and museums // expensive and cold
Teacher John //
from New Zealand // smiles and plays guitar // talks too fast
Ironman //
real name Tony Starke // very rich and intelligent // is fictional
Thailand //
90 minutes flight from HCMC // friendly people, great food // many western tourists and crowded
ABC English Centre //
located in city centre, District 1 // use laptops and tablets in classes // lessons are four hours long, with extra homework.
Team work
Part 6: Class split into two teams. They have to plan a day in their city (here, of course, it’s Sai Gon) for my friend Ethan.
